Why #MeToo was important for men too

The sexual predation of boys is a topic most parents shy away from – and this silence contributes to its occurrence, as well as emotional and psychological issues later in life. PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • Last year’s #MeToo campaign may have focused on women, but male victims of abuse were welcome to be part of the conversation.
  • Thomas Rajula speaks to two who detail how they are coping as adults.

The sexual predation of boys is a topic most parents shy away from – and this silence contributes to its occurrence, as well as emotional and psychological issues later in life. Last year’s #MeToo campaign may have focused on women, but male victims of abuse were welcome to be part of the conversation. Thomas Rajula speaks to two who detail how they are coping as adults.

AHMED,*

31-year-old Ahmed* started off in a comfortable home, with both parents, and even went to a private school. When he was in grade four his father, a long distance truck driver, passed away.

His mother began to struggle to keep him in school, while he found it difficult coping with the loss of his mentor and best friend, becoming withdrawn and shy. His mother decided to send him to her brother in Lamu Town, despite his protests that it was too rural and he didn’t have any friends there. Eventually, he reluctantly accepted the move.

Ahmed had no clue when the assaults started. He remembers that one day his uncle took him to the beach and rented a tube-float and they swam some distance out. Just as he was beginning to feel safe his uncle defiled him with his fingers. Thus started a chain of defilement that included his uncle insisting on Ahmed spending his holidays in Lamu so he could have unfettered access to the boy.

Whenever Ahmed objected, his uncle would threaten to kick him out; Ahmed would give in. “After that I would shower over and over again. I felt so dirty, no matter how many times I took a shower, not just on the outside but inside as well. I found it hard to tell anyone because I was scared my uncle would keep his promise (to kick me out) and, worse, no one would believe me thinking I was probably suffering from some kind of mental meltdown or depression due to my father’s passing,” he says.

He started losing focus on his studies and became even more withdrawn. He started experimenting with a lot of different drugs and alcohol, hoping it would take away the pain.

One day he had a voice talking to him, saying, “Son you will never have comfort in those drugs no matter how much you take. They won’t make you forget what happened.”

His uncle was later lynched as the villagers when they found out about his indiscretions with young boys. This did not make Ahmed feel any better though. “If you’re not strong enough, suicide or self-injury is the path most victims choose. But I want all victims to know there is hope if they seek help. I went to my supervisor and told him I need help.”

In adulthood, Ahmed checked himself into rehab where speaking out about his issues helped him find a semblance of healing.

He now works as a cleaner at a parastatal and lives with his on-and-off girlfriend and their child. He may not have found complete healing, but he is seeking ways to get there.

 

GEORGE,*

George,* is in his early 40s, is married to a beautiful woman, and has one child, a daughter. He is an accountant who runs his own consultancy. As a business owner, his charisma and confidence draws clients to him. But what many looking at him on the surface cannot tell is that self-loathing and fear of expressing himself have been his companions for a long time, rooted in a torment he suffered as a child.

George was a tall, stocky, outspoken and social child. His outgoing nature had him make friends with many of his neighbour’s children – and it was at his best friend’s house that the worst happened.

Most afternoons after school, George would spend time at his friend’s house where his best friend’s uncle would take him to the house help’s quarters and defile him. After he was finished he would cast George a scary, bloodshot stare that George knew meant that he was not to tell a soul about what had just happened. Then he would leave him there to pick himself up.

“I was probably five or six when it started. I cannot recall how it began but for sure it happened three or more times. He would not interact with me (when other people were present),” says George

“For some reason, I always thought that it was my fault, and I would be punished if I reported it. I also didn’t fully comprehend what was happening to me. All I knew was that it was painful to my young mind and body, and feared that my family would punish then reject and hate me (if they found out). I had to keep silent and act like all was normal. I felt scared, vulnerable and unwanted,” he says.

The experience caused him to “grow up too quick.” He was drawn to people much older than him and always felt like the children around him were too childish. Then, as he drew closer to puberty, his confidence levels plummeted. Criticisms made him feel like he had been exposed for the secret he was trying to hide. He became the target of bullies who derived pleasure from overpowering such an intimidating figure. Laughter became being his trademark, and he never allowed himself to become serious or intense.

George turned to religion to help salve his wounds, but when #MeToo trended last year, it marked a turning point in his life. “I had been to therapy about it before, and it helped a little just talking about it, but I don’t think I got to deal with the fear of rejection and repercussions. My breakthrough point was when #MeToo trended. I felt like I matter, and that I am not alone. I

 

YES, MOLESTATION OF BOYS IS VERY COMMON

We asked men on the street this question: “Did you know that molestation happens when underage boys are swayed into having sex with women over 18?”  These are the replies we received.

JAY, 23

It may be molestation, on the older woman’s part, but I’m having fun. I don’t view it as such. I wouldn’t know what to do to men who touch little boys, because I haven’t experienced it or know of anyone personally who’s gone through it. Maybe parents can give you a better response. Even if it happens in society, I think it’s one of those things that are kept under wraps.

 

MUNENE, 51

Both cases of men and women sexual molesting boys are very unfortunate. These are symptoms of a sick society. We really need to get ourselves together to bring back the values we lost. Parents need to have conversations with their children regarding strangers. I think a larger percentage lies with strangers rather than familiar people. They to be careful; not everybody is good out there.

 

 

SMITH, 18

It’s just wrong. You should avoid meeting with the woman in lonely places, keep your interactions to public areas. Parents should also talk to their adolescent boys on how to gain self-control. Parents should also create awareness in their kids about men who molest children, and harsh punishments should be meted to these predators.

 

COLLINS, 30

Funny enough society treats boys molested by women like miscreants or truants, where older men who have sex with girls are treated as perverts; it’s double standards. That said, many boys are abused by ladies through touch and verbally yet society doesn’t react. I’ll just tell the boy-child to go explore and enjoy whatever society throws at him; learn from the experience as long as it is not physically harming you. I have never heard a boy complain he was traumatised by his first sexual experience just because it was with an older woman.